Naive Sweet and Confused
by GoElsewhereWriter'sBlock
Summary: Zack was a generally sweet person. Cloud was Zack's adorable, sweet, kind, handsome, blue-eyed, dreamy, genius, and amazing bestie. Zack wanted to monopolize Cloud's time and attention. He was in denial about how weird that was. After breaking up with Tifa, Cloud has time to himself and realizes there's something weird going on with his friend. Why on earth was Zack blushing? CxZ
1. A Guy Like Cloud Needed Alone Time

**A/N**: Hi, this is a new story that I decided to put in the Kingdom Hearts universe, starring Zack/Cloud. The main pairing is ZackxCloud although there are mentions of CloudxTifa, ZackxCissnei and SoraxRiku and etc. This is AU. M/M. And a hard M-rated piece. I will edit out pieces of it to make it suitable to fanfiction guidelines, although the complete version can be found on my livejournal.

**Disclaimer**: I am flat out broke. I own nothing. Kingdom Hearts belongs to someone else.

Title: **Naïve, Sweet, and Confused**

By: **Perpetual-Writer's-Block**

Chapter 1: **A Guy Like Cloud Needed Alone Time****  
**

Tidus was sure that Cloud Strife was contemplating the meaning of his existence. Yuna was almost certain Cloud was simply staring at the clock and counting down the seconds till class was over. Sora was sure that Cloud was creating a new scientific theory beyond the understanding of mere mortals. Roxas, well Roxas was sure he knew exactly what Cloud was thinking about. Sex. Roxas was one hundred percent sure that Cloud was thinking about hot, steamy, romantic, _perfect_ sex with his, hot, curvaceous, extremely popular girlfriend.

They were, of course, all wrong.

Cloud was thinking about why everyone he knew had this unhealthy obsession with staring at him and trying to figure out what he was staring at, or thinking about, or how quiet, plain, and unpopular Cloud Strife managed to snag a girl as perfect as Tifa Lockheart.

And at the same time he was contemplating the eccentricities of his closest friends, he was wondering why he didn't seem to think his relationship with Tifa was as perfect as he thought it would be. Really, he should have listened to Zack. His spiky haired, energetic, popular best friend had not so gently told him that he couldn't handle a girl like Tifa Lockheart. That had, of course, sparked an argument that very nearly ended their 11 year long friendship. But eventually, they accepted it was ridiculous that they were arguing about a girl Cloud had yet to ask out, and simply decided to see where the pieces fell. Zack aided Cloud in wooing his soon-to-be sweetheart and had succeeded in teaching his naïve best friend how to date a girl like Tifa. In addition, and in Zack's eyes most importantly, he had arranged for his best friend to become a man. This was in the figurative sense, of course, since Zack sure as hell hadn't done the deed himself- that job fell to Tifa. Still, Zack consistently asserted that he was responsible for Cloud losing his virginity and taking a huge step toward becoming the sexy, confident hottie he was sure to become. "No homo", of course, he consistently added, forever ensuring that Cloud wouldn't mistake his continued reassurances of Cloud's attractiveness as a come-on. Not that Cloud ever would.

And yet, despite the fact that he was loathe to admit that Zack was right, Tifa Lockheart had turned out to be everything he wasn't expecting and was so thoroughly high maintenance that Cloud found himself exhausted. Between work, school, and Tifa, Cloud had no time for his friends, for his family, and especially no time to himself. And a guy like Cloud Strife, quiet, moody, "emo" as Zack and Sora so quaintly phrased, needed time to himself.

And so what Cloud was really thinking about so long and hard during his seventh period Health class (which, Cloud learned early on was certainly not good for the health of his brain, as he found himself losing millions of brain cells a minute, as Mr. Tardis droned on and on about safe sex, STDs, the hazards of drug use, and every other common sense, self preservationist fact known to man), was how exactly he could break up with Tifa Lockheart and keep all of his body parts.

Cloud looked at the clock and realized he had about twenty minutes till the bell rang. As Mr. Tardis began to pass out worksheets about decision-making skills, Cloud realized he was never going to focus on his work unless he solved this problem. Cloud cowardly realized there was no safe way to do it in person, and made the worst decision of his life.

He hurriedly _texted_ his soon-to-be _ex-_girlfriend one simple message:

"**Hey, Tifa, I want to break up with you."**

As he turned toward his worksheets he realized how royally stupid he was.

It didn't help that the worksheets made him realize he had the worst decision-making skills on the planet.

He had totally shit the bed on this one.

After the bell rang he all but ran through the halls to the library, thinking that the faster he got there, the more likely Tifa wouldn't find him.

At 3:03 pm he realized he'd never be able to avoid the oncoming typhoon.


	2. Tifa Lockheart Loves Cloud Strife

**A/N**: Alright I kind of spent 5 hours writing chapters 2-6 nonstop, yeah, I know, I'm pathetic. After realizing I had about five thousand words and thinking that that much would be too difficult to edit properly I decided to break it down into different chapters. In addition I felt that all that information at once might be a bit to much for a reader, and I really didn't want to be the person who went from a 700 something word first chapter to a five thousand word second chapter. Seems like a bit of a dick move. So, I made a whole bunch of little chapters with horrible cliffys!

**Disclaime**r: Yes, I know I'm evil, but I definitely don't steal or plagiarize. I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.

Chapter 2:** Tifa Lockheart Loves Cloud Strife**

Tifa Lockheart was confident, beautiful, kind, and smart. She knew it, too. She wasn't arrogant, maybe a little self-absorbed. She worked hard, she was generous, she kept a positive attitude and she had an amazing boyfriend. Who would have expected that weird little Cloud Strife, with the glasses and the braces and shyness would have turned out to be the best boyfriend ever? He was sweet. He was handsome. He was kind and smart. He was quiet, but confident. Dear God, the boy actually _listened_. It was so hard to find someone today who would listen, and understand, and reassure. He wasn't misogynistic, and he wasn't cruel. He was patient, and open-minded. He was perhaps a little moody, but that just meant he was sensitive. She actually liked that he was moody. He was a bit quiet, but he was still very kind. He was never terse with her or rude.

Tifa Lockheart was the luckiest girl in the world. She had a guy who was perfect when it came to the emotional part of a relationship and was understanding. She had a guy who was considerate and romantic. And, shock that it was, he was the best in bed. She definitely hadn't expected that. He made her feel something she had never felt before. He hadn't rushed her or pressured her. He had arranged a romantic getaway so sweet that it had taken all her control not to cry. And then, when it came down to the deed, despite him being the virgin, she had found herself nervous. She was worried he expected things from her, and her reputation. She wasn't a slut, she wasn't. She had dated a few guys, and she had let two of them convince her to do things she wasn't ready for, and she definitely was no longer a virgin. But that didn't make her a slut, and having been in relationships with men that took her for granted didn't mean she didn't deserve a man as sweet and kind as Cloud, did it? She hoped not. The sex was amazing anyway. They were great together. Perfect chemistry, matching libidos, love, it was everything a girl could ask for.

She loved Cloud. She had thought herself in love with the other boys. She had thought she would die if they broke up with her, but they had, and while she'd been upset, it wasn't unbearable.

She knew, that this time, she definitely was in love. She felt more for him than she ever had for any of her other, stupid, boyfriends.

And he said that she loved her first!

He'd been the first to say it this time and he hadn't rushed her to say it back and he'd accepted her and he was so much more than she deserved and-

During her seventh period chemistry class, all she could think about was what a terrible person she was, and how she hoped he would never find out.

Fifteen minutes before the bell rang, she felt her phone vibrate. She looked down, and seeing that she had a text from Cloud, smiled eagerly. She was ecstatic. Her boyfriend wasn't a phone person. She so very rarely got a text from him. He'd texted her before class had ended. That was amazing! She'd been trying to get him to text her more. She was always sending him lovey-dovey messages. This time, this time, he had texted her without provocation. That meant he was thinking of her. He was so sweet. She awed for a minute and sat for a second in a bubble of happiness. All her earlier doubts were gone. Then she collected herself. She prided herself in always being in control.

She turned to her friend Sara and whispered a little smugly, mostly excitedly about how Cloud had texted her and asked if she should risk reading it in Mr. Tyler's class, as he was infamous for hating phones. The two of them surreptitiously whispered about how sweet he was, and gossiped a bit about boyfriends who text before deciding that she should.

The clock said 2:46 when she glanced at it, and the class ended at 3:00. He couldn't be such a stickler when there was only 14 minutes of class left. They weren't even doing anything anyway. He'd lectured for thirty minutes, passed out worksheets, and told the class they were due Monday and suggested they get them done now so that they could have fun during the weekend. She had already finished. Besides, he seemed pretty focused on his computer.

She flipped open her phone and cooed at the picture of Cloud and her kitten CiCi. She had set to his caller ID because it was so cute. She had a picture of the two of them and their horses set on her wallpaper. He was so cute. And CiCi loved her boyfriend Cloud who had a name that started with a C. She paused for a minute and rolled her eyes sheepishly about how girly she was being.

She turned to Sarah again and whispered about the picture and about how girly she had just found herself being. Sarah had rolled her eyes and muttered about how she had it bad.

She looked at the subject of the text and saw that it said hi. She wondered for a minute if he had just texted her to say hi. She smiled wider. That was so sweet. She then thumbed her phone and clicked on the message.

The clock said 2:47 when she read that message.

"**Hey, Tifa, I want to break up with you." **

She was in shock for a moment.

The clock read 2:48 when the meaning of the message registered and she quickly deleted the message. She quickly covered for herself as Sarah, the annoying snoop, had seen her reaction and was wondering what he'd said. She said he just wanted to say hi and acted all cutesy and swooned a bit.

The clock read 2:49 when the tears started falling.

It was less than five seconds later when she started hiccuping and sobbing loudly and everyone began to turn towards her.

Turns out that the clock was 10 minutes fast. How could Mr. Tyler not fix that?

She sobbed loudly for the last 20 minutes of class and everyone was wondering what happened. Everybody was quietly asking her what's wrong, are you ok, are you hurt, what? Even Mr. Tyler looked up from the computer and asked if she needed to go to the nurse.

She couldn't even think about how embarrassed she was that she was making a scene.

Mr. Tyler's clock read 3:10 when the bell rang, but it was really 3:00. She took barely a second to collect herself. She asked Selphie where Cloud would be and left hurriedly. She didn't think about how she had just given away to Sarah that Cloud's text definitely hadn't been to say hi. She didn't think about how tomorrow there would be a million rumors about Cloud Strife making Tifa cry for the last twenty minutes of seventh period.


	3. She Wasn't Going to Cry Over This

**A/N**: Alright, so the reason I included this chapter, and the chapter before is because this is all leading up to something that will make Tifa Lockheart look really, really bad. I don't want to seem like I'm Tifa bashing so I'm including her side of it. I want the readers to understand that Cloud and Tifa had a better than average relationship, but that, to Cloud, there was something missing. In addition, Tifa has a lot of baggage and a volatile disposition that doesn't really suit Cloud's personality well. They weren't met to be. She's also uptight, controlling, and has a penitent for being selfish and slightly manipulative. She has a lot of walls for a lot of reasons and isn't very good at handling certain things. Cloud is more laid back, and really doesn't want to bother with a lot of the stuff she does.

**Disclaime**r: I don't think this is what Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts had in mind. They have pretty strong in cannon romances and Zack Fair is technically supposed to be dead right now, so. I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.

Chapter 3: **She Wasn't Going to Cry Over This **

The prettiest girl in school and beloved queen hunted Cloud down as soon as the bell rang. She barely refrained from releasing her unbridled fury on unsuspecting passersby as she stormed through the halls. The twenty minutes of crying had resulted in all of the various emotions she felt being converted directly into anger. Asking Selphie where Cloud could be and subsequently traveling furiously and quickly to the library, leaving her books and backpack and Gucci purse behind in Mr. Tyler's classroom, took a mere three minutes. The circumstances, she thought, were something he could forgive as she was in a hurry to give her ridiculously stupid boyfriend a piece of her mind, and that's something easily understood. Mr. Tyler liked her anyway. He'd let her back in to get her things.

She fumed as she walked. The crowds of brainless sheep in the hallways parted like the ocean before Moses. She planned out exactly what she would say to her stupid boyfriend who had royally fucked up. She was going to explain to him how thoroughly he didn't want to break up with her. He was going to know that he was stupid to think for a second that a girl like TIFA LOCKHEART would let that fly. A TEXT MESSAGE! A TEXT! What a DUMBASS!

He was going to grovel and beg forgiveness. She was determined. As she walked she hardly thought as she shoved a random freshman to the side. He was going to find a new perspective ON HIS KNEES! She decided as she crashed in to a stupid sophomore and he and his papers fell to the floor. The poor boy quickly muttered unheard apologies as he fell to his knees to pick up his things. Tifa didn't think as she growled at him to watch where he was walking.

He was going to realize how thoroughly he wanted her. Gorgeous, kind, sexy goddess that she was, he was going to want her and plead with her to take him back. She was going to get chocolates, lovey-dovey cards, and plushies. He was going to serenade her, take her for romantic moonlit walks, and fawn over her like a solicitous little _slave_ for weeks.

And HE, he would be lucky if he ever got laid again in his entire existence. That ridiculous pea-brained moron of a boyfriend was lucky she didn't have a knife (curse modern-day high school security) so she didn't castrate the stupid fucker. Pathetic and short, and naïve, and so not manly Cloud Strife was lucky she had graced him with her presence, allowed him to touch her body, and taken his virginity. That freak was so going to get it. And after months of his servitude she was going to rip his bleeding, generous, stupidly kind and _weak_ little heart out of his inconsequential chest and break it into pieces. And then dump his sorry ass for a real man. That bastard had to have a thing for another girl. It was probably that Aerith freak. Or Yuffie, damn the kleptomaniac.

She entered the library at 3:03 pm, eyes blazing and teeth gnashing. She paused and calmed herself with a very long sigh and paused to primp herself in the mirror behind the library lady's desk. She completely ignored the old woman as she welcomed her and asked what she was looking for. Tifa saw that her eyes were hardly at all puffy, and no one who hadn't been in her seventh period class would be able to tell she'd been crying recently. That was good. Never let them see you cry, her father had always told her. Her hair on the other hand had puffed up and out and frizzed, as it inexplicably managed whenever she was angry. She smoothed it out and less than twenty seconds after she had entered the library she turned and scanned the room for her stupid, pathetic, quiet, and absolutely, ridiculously confused little boyfriend. She cursed that she couldn't feasibly insult the size of his dick. Everyone knew of his seventh grade biology boner and how thoroughly above average it was. It was the first story that people from Destiny Tree Middle shared with the kids from Radiant Mill Middle. She remembered how the first thing out of her friends' mouths after she said they did it at the cabin was how bad did it hurt and was the ten inch rumor true. She cursed herself for gushing about it. (Tidus still maintains that he had to have found a ten inch banana and stuffed it into his underwear. Everyone knows that a kid as shy as Cloud wouldn't do that. How his face turned bright red and he was inexplicably absent not just for the next class periods of the day but for the next three days as well kind of trumps Tidus's theory). She cursed that there was no way she could say he was gross and smelly and icky. He always smelled delicious. He smelled like Abercrombie and Fitch and chocolate chip cookies. If there were a superlative for best smelling guy, Cloud would win it.

She spotted him. She stared at him with his stupid, handsome face, and adorably flatteringly spiked hair. She noticed, all over again, that his blonde locks were always a mess and that reminded her that they were the softest she had ever felt, and she remembered that he let out a soft, tiny little part-squeak-part-moan-part-groan when she tugged softly on them during a particularly intense make-out session. She noticed, all over again, his pale skin that was so soft and warm and smooth, and remembered how it was the same light tan, almost pale, pearly color all over his body, and that reminded her of how toned and chiseled his upper torso was and made her blush softly as always. Finally, she noticed, all over again, his gorgeous blue eyes she could spend hours staring into, the blue eyes that always gave him away, the eyes that held soft adoration, slight wonder, and so much love whenever she looked up into them and smiled.

She wanted to cry again. She felt yet another stab of pain in her chest, began to feel nauseous, and felt the writhing mass of insecurity she tried so hard to hide from the world rise up, and considered, for less than a second, of course, turning around, grabbing her things and fleeing to her car to drive home and cry. She considered for less than half a second, giving up on this boy that she loved so much, who she knew deserved so much better. But then she remembered how happy they were together, that time on the beach splashing in the waves, that time by the bonfire at Rinoa's back to school party the first time they kissed, and how he always supported her. She thought of the last one and a half years, even of how he had always looked out for her when they were kids, and determined that it wasn't over yet. There was a misunderstanding that could be fixed diplomatically. She slammed those bothersome emotions down, converted them into steely determination, collected herself, and walked gracefully over to the corner of the room.

"Cloud, sweetheart," she said with a soft smile that didn't reach her hard, glaring eyes, "We need to talk."

Her voice was coldly sweet. She was only a few steps away from the table. She came up from behind him and put her right hand on his. He had seen her coming. The fact that he let her touch him gave her more hope. His friends stared at her with slight dread. Anyone could see that no matter how hard she was trying to be sweet, she was pissed.

She had seen his eyes widen as she made her way over, she saw him flinch as she laid her hand on his, but he didn't pull his hand away. She had seen the dread and guilt on his face at the sight of her. She perceived this to be regret and convinced herself this would be easy. She would assuage his troubles, convince him to forget breaking up, and this humiliating text scandal would _never make it into the light of day_ again. It was going to be perfect. Everything was going to be perfect. She'd get him to talk to her, get his worries, and his overwrought doubts to disappear as she always did with a smile and a teasing "dilly-dally shilly-shally". Her reputation would remain untainted by the shame of being broken up with _via text message_. This boy that she loved was not going to break her heart.

Then she saw his jaw set and his eyes harden and remembered that her boyfriend was the most stubborn person known to man. He almost violently shook his hand out from under hers and another knife shot its way into her heart and those doubts began to rise again.

"There's nothing to talk about." He said firmly, quietly, with that hint of calm finality his masculine, sexy voice managed so effortlessly and so well. She hated it with every fiber of her being how that utterance had infuriated her and turned her on at the same time.

"Cloud," She smiled and spoke softly, sweetly despite her rising anger and gods damn it hurt and betrayal- _Always in control Lockheart_ she thought to herself, "We are going to talk."

"No we aren't." He looked away from her and started back on his homework.

"YOU!" She screamed. She grabbed his arm and yanked him out of the chair.

"Tifa-"

"SHUT UP!"

She had shoved him, and forced him upright.

"YOU SHUT UP YOU MANIPULATIVE CONTROLLING BICTH!" He screamed.

She froze, stunned. Tears, gods damn them, she would never admit to crying because of this stupid shit, welled up at the corners of her eyes. Hurt and betrayal, heartbreak and remorse welled up in her chest. She felt loss. She felt devastated. This wasn't happening.

And in the face of all these emotions she fell back to her number one safety mechanism. Anger. The floodgates broke, her control shattered, and she opened her mouth and let it all out.

By the time Zack Fair arrived at the library she had been screaming at her boyfriend for a full 42 minutes.


	4. Zack Was Sure She Was

**A/N**: First, Hershey kisses with almonds are beast. yo. Second, counteracting them with the salty taste of Monster's inc. cheeseits yes they have to be monster's inc., yo, makes them even beastlier, yo. Third, I love this chapter.

Oh and just to clarify. Zack isn't a homophobe. He's a homo teenager who hasn't realized, accepted, or confirmed his sexuality. His denial sounds a bit like homophobia on his part, but he's too smart and kind to be such a bigoted, backwards individual. In addition, if you didn't read the summary or the author's notes I've written so far this is where I warn you that homophobes do not want to read this fanfiction. So, just, don't.

Oh and if anyone can tell me where the teacher's names have thus far come from and what kind of creature Zack thinks Tifa is, then I will fulfill a request. (As in you send me a prompt and I try my damnedest to write about it, though it's sometimes difficult, as my penname might suggest.)

**Disclaimer**: Zack is very alive, so obviously, I'm not Square Enix, the creators of Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts. Peace :)

Chapter 4: **Zack Was Sure She Was a Supernatural Creature in a Human Suit **

"CLOUD STRIFE, YOU ENORMOUS ASSHOLE YOU DID NOT BREAK UP WITH ME VIA TEXT MESSAGE! YOU STUPID **FREAK**! YOU DON'T **GET** TO BREAK UP WITH **ME!"**

Zack entered the library to find that his normally happy and cheerful group of friends looked thoroughly miserable. He also entered the library to find his best friend pale and utterly mortified, with an expression of mixed pain, regret, embarrassment, guilt, and horror that looked very much like constipation on his face. Cloud managed, as he often did, to form a paradox. As always, Cloud showed a mix of stubborn confidence, steely determination, and quiet shyness at the same time. Zack's friend was standing rigid and upright and at the same time he looked as though he was almost melting into the ground.

If it weren't for the fact that Tifa Lockheart was screaming like a banshee and he already had an enormous headache, Zack would have snickered at Cloud's embarrassment. He was always gleeful and eager to embarrass his moody little blond, however, at this moment, he was quite annoyed. And today had been the shittiest of shit days he'd had in a long while.

First, he was thinking of Cloud as his, and that seemed a bit too homosexual for his liking.

Second, he had a _really _bad headache. He was coming to the library to pout and convince Cloud to do that awesome temple massage his mom did, the saving grace godsend massage that totally obliterated head-aches and made Zack one happy puppy. Yes, Zack would willingly grow ears and a tail, and wag and whine and pant, if it meant getting one of Cloud's mom's temple massages. Especially when he had a Seifer-induced migraine from Seifer's incessant locker room jackassery, inexplicable need to towel whip any passerby, and exorbitant machismo. Yes, Zack learned those words from his cute, spiky, blonde, adorable, blue-eyed, angelic, sweet, attractively moody friend Cloud Strife-who-just-happened-to-be-a-genius. No, Zack wasn't going to evaluate his need to gush about his bestie, or how thoroughly gay he was starting to sound.

_No gayness here._ Zack thought _I'm just one thoroughly straight dude with a platonic affection for how adorable my friend __**who's like a brother**__ is__**.**__ Yep, that explains your overprotective mother-hen-awe-look-at-him-he's-so-cute attitude. Yep. No homo. No homo._

Zack could feel his headache getting worse as his worrisome behavior and the screeching combined with his irritation, with Seifer, with his failing grade on the math test he got back first period, with the three papers and five worksheets he had to complete by Monday, and with the five quizzes he had to prepare for on that same day. This was just a generally shittier than average Friday. All that added up to create one huge headache, and a great deal of ire. Zack was not happy. It was rare for Zack Fair to be unhappy. It was exceedingly rare for Zack Fair to be irritable. Today, this Friday August 20th, there were many reasons for Zack to not be happy, and to be very, very irritable. But there were quite a few main reasons Zack was unhappy. Six, actually. The first two have been named.

The third reason Zack was unhappy? His usual after school bonding time in the library with his not-so-popular group of friends was being interrupted by the only member of his popular group of friends that he _just couldn't stand. _Yep, you got it. There was someone in the world that cheerful, optimistic, bouncy, perpetually friendly and overconfident Zack Fair didn't like. And that was Tifa Lockheart. No, actually, to say that he didn't like Tifa was an understatement. He _loathed _Tifa.

Tifa had been a bitch to him since day one. Since the girl first looked him up and down, determined he wasn't much and opened her snotty, stupid, horrendously fuckable mouth she was arrogant, narcissistic, violent, and bitchy. She was rich and stuck-up, and way too pretty for anyone's good. She was your atypical mean girl.

At least, she was when it came to Zack Fair. It seemed that Tifa was a perfect angel to everyone else. However, she seemed to have an inexplicable hatred for Zack from the very beginning and that dislike was happily returned. Perhaps she didn't like Zack because he didn't fall for any of her bullshit? Perhaps it was because of that day they played truth or dare and he had honestly told Seifer he thought Tifa was a three on the hotness scale, one being the lowest, ten being the best. Perhaps it was because everyone told everyone about that and someone had decorated her locker in a glitter glue three. (Maybe he was guilty of that.) But Zack knew her dislike of him had started even before that. Why else would she have told everybody about that time she caught him crying in a broom closet? That was hideous. He had people calling him a crybaby for weeks and he couldn't just outright tell them that it was because someone had died, because that would have made it real. It made him want to sob and scream at the same time. She was terrible for doing that. She was a right bitch, she was.

In Zack's opinion her boobs were too big. Her body was too perfect. Her hair was too long and too straight. Her eyes were too adorable. Her fake-sweet smile was too believable and she was just way too perfect. She was a total fake. She had to be. She was, _had _to be some two-faced supernatural creature that lured unsuspecting heterosexual males in, only to unzip her outer human suit, unleash her claws, ghastly decayed flesh, gigantic sagging monster mammary glands, rolls and rolls of fat, and eat those poor unsuspecting moon-eyed heterosexual males-alive.

Zack hated that she was essentially the perfect woman, everything the modern day sex symbol needed to be. She was tall, doe-eyed, long-limbed, lean, and curvy, with big boobs, a tight ass, and a perfectly flat tummy. She was evil incarnate.

Zack _hated _Tifa Lockheart. Especially when he found out that she was Cloud's neighbor. The pretty girl he went on and on about. The one who he said had, sadly, been redistricted into different elementary and middle schools from Cloud. (Oh, yes that was horrible.) The one he said was sweet and funny and kind. The one he said was perfect in every way imaginable, amazing to hang out with, and a living goddess. She was the girl he saw Cloud pine for after year, after year, after year. The girl Cloud thought was perfect in every way shape or form. The girl Cloud Strife had a giant hopeless indestructible crush on, who stole Zack's attention. That's right; all of Cloud Strife's attention and affection belonged to Zack. In Zack's mind, Cloud's mom was a blip on the radar, Cloud's friends were replaceable assets, and whether Cloud liked it or not, he belonged to Zack.

No, he wasn't going to consider his unhealthy attention sucking needs. Nope. He wasn't going to consider how non-heterosexual that sounded. He was normal. His friendship with Cloud was normal. And that bitch wasn't worthy of his time and especially wasn't worthy of Cloud's time. But Zack, nice guy that he was, had caved in and helped his friend ask the harpy out and gave him all the advice he had about how to get a girl and maintain a relationship. And he had orchestrated the loss of his friend's virginity in his parent's log cabin by the lake, all romantic and sweet, and blah-blah-blah, the way girls liked. And damn, did he regret that he was a nice guy.

The fourth reason he was unhappy was because the aforementioned banshee was currently screaming his best friend into the ground. Zack surmised by the look on everyone's faces that she had been doing so for quite some time. They were meek, blushing, humiliated, he could have sworn he saw tears of sympathy in sweet kind-hearted, Sora's eyes. Maybe that guy was a bit more than a replaceable asset, if he cared about his Cloudy so much.

Oh, yes, this one-sided shouting match had probably lasted over a half hour.

After the bell rang, Zack did his rounds, saying goodbye to his other friends, collecting his books, chatting up the teachers, and being the genuinely kind, funny, friendly, lovable person he was. These rounds consistently made him about a half hour late for the 3:15 study session he and his smarty friends planned for every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He was always there by 3:45. They always waited, and normally enjoyed his company, and sometimes they all got some studying done, and rarely, very rarely, did something truly interesting happen in that quiet secluded section of the library.

There was a reason his smarty friends weren't popular. They were boring. In the case of Cloud, Leon and Vincent they were stoic, moody, and generally silent. In the case of Sora and Roxas with their twin separation anxiety issues, Riku with his pompous personality and mutterings about the darkness, Aerith with her, well, airiness and yaoi fangirling, Selphie with her hyperactive antics and yaoi fangirling, and Yuffie with her kleptomania and yaoi fangirling, the rest of them were just plain weird. Really, horribly weird.

Just because they all were weirdoes, that didn't give Tifa the right to invade their study session and humiliate his friends. Most importantly, nothing, not even Cloud's own stupidity, gave anyone the right to diss his friend. NO ONE disses Cloud Strife, without facing Zack Fair's wrath. No one.

But,still, a text message? Really? Had his friend learned nothing about relationships in all the time Zack had been mentoring him? Or had Zack somehow managed to forget to say "Don't be a cowardly dick and avoid breaking up with someone you're unhappy with. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you dump someone with a text message."? Zack rolled his eyes, gave a sigh. He then, before he could stop himself, thought about how crushed he would be if Cloud and he were dating and his adorable DreamCloud boyfriend dumped him via text. He then beat himself over the head, gave a loud "ahhhhhhhhgghhhghghghghgh", did fifteen squats, and let out an exasperated sigh. He was so not, _ever_, going to think that _ever, _ever, ever, ever again.

No homo.

He ignored the looks he was getting from the library staff, and the other nameless kids that had started to come watch the show. They were the little people and he was an important person.

"God, what are you bastards? Vultures? You smell a dying relationship and just have to watch the postmortem kicking? You smell blood and immediately gossip? Radiant Balls, MOVE it!" Zack made a show of the fact that he was irritable and pushed his way through the sheep-like bodies of people he didn't know. Why did everyone have to make a sport of other people's embarrassing situations?

He'd felt the brunt of that after everybody mocked him about his third period tumble down the stairs. He hated it when people drew out other people's misery.

Oh, wait, he shouldn't say that. He'd been the one to very publicly mock his bestie about the biology boner and he'd been the one to tell everyone from Radiant Mill Middle about it, but hot damn, that was so much fun. But Cloud and Zack were besties. Only he had the right to make fun of him imperviously. None of these shits personally knew anyone involved in this situation.

The fifth reason he was pissed off was because he hadn't seen Cloud in, like, forever because of the aforementioned banshee. He almost wanted to start on again about the biology boner in order to get a rise out of him. Cloud would have to spend time with him then, wouldn't he? He wanted Cloud's attention!

Zack snickered as he thought back to how he'd been right next to Cloud the day of that incident and how shocked he'd been. Cloud had fallen asleep and the teacher had started looking murderously at their table. Zack had poked his friend awake. The cute blonde had sleepily muttered "Whu?" And Zack had seen the seriously large tent jutting out of the front of Cloud's pants and screamed louder than he'd ever screamed before "WHEN DID YOU START HAVING WET DREAMS AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" Cloud had been mortified. Everyone in the classroom had gotten a peek and even Mr. Smith who had excused Cloud to the nurse's had looked grudgingly impressed with Cloud's junk.

Zack randomly burst out with a "What are you gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk! I'm gonna tell what you're gonna do with all that junk! All that junk inside your trunk!"

No one really said anything because they expected Zack to be random like that. A couple of Zack's friends in the corner saw him and tried to desperately sign him into leaving, but he just kept on singing and forcing his way through the crowd.

It was slow going. Unfortunately that allowed him to think.

_Ten inches! Seriously? What would that feel like? Like inside someone?_

He was not thinking about his best friend's penis. Nope, nope. He was not thinking about how that would feel. Nope, nope.

Zack ignored the silent thought that followed about whether or not a guy with a dick like that would bottom and denied it had ever existed.

"WHAT IS IT? YOU BASTARD! HUH? IS IT ANOTHER GIRL? WHAT? ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING? HAH! I GET IT. IT'S ZACK ISN'T IT?" Tifa screamed out with a bit of a nervous giggle.

There was suddenly a great amount of whispering and everyone who knew Zack was there looked at him with wide eyes.

"Dude, no way." Someone said.

"Ew, seriously?" Zack said looking at everyone incredulously.

"She has a point, you are always talking about him." Some stupid bitch he didn't know and would never again speak to just had to open her mouth and piss him off worse.

"WHAT? Don't look at me like that! I'm not gay. Cloud's not gay. That banshee is very obviously off her rocker! Look at the spit, and the hair! Dear GOD. What is her hair alive or something?" Zack said.

Everyone looked at her hair puffing out and frizzing and very animatedly heightening the ferocious appearance of Tifa Lockheart's anger. Yep. She was psycho.

"Sorry man." Someone muttered.

"What's wrong with her?" Someone else said.

"Why does she think Cloud's cheated? Everyone knows he wouldn't."

"Did you hear her? She sounds so stuck up."

"I can't believe she called Cloud a freak, he's a total sweetheart."

"And she called him stupid. Everyone knows he's a genius. He's going to be Valedictorian."

"Sounds like a psychotic break."

"I got a text from Sarah saying that she was bawling for a full twenty minutes of chemistry."

Zack couldn't believe the bitch called Cloud gay. He couldn't believe she cast aspersions on his own sexuality. He was genuinely terrified she had outed him for a minute there.

Except, he wasn't in the closet. Nope. There wasn't anything to out. Nope.

No Homo.

And how dare that bitch accuse Cloud of cheating? Cloud would _never_-

All of this irritation, combined with the fact that poor Zack hadn't hung out with his bestie in quite some time, because that harpy had _stolen_ and brainwashed, and thoroughly monopolized _his_ best friend, using sex, and feminine wiles and her general and incessant bitchery to thoroughly annihilate his Cloudy-time, created an equation that resulted in Zack's conviction that "This bitch is gonna get it."

That, and the sixth reason he was pissed off. There had been a party at Lulu's last Friday. Tifa had gone, Cloud had to work and therefore didn't go. And of course party animal Zack Fair had attended. So he saw a few things.

Zack walked straight toward the secluded corner of the library between the fake plant and the bookshelf full of marine biology books where his best friend was being tortured and knew exactly what he was going to do.

Destroy Tifa Lockheart.


	5. That Must Mean He's Gay For Zack

**A/N**:So, this chapter turned out to be 4,747 words. That's bad. Even for me that's bad. So I had to figure out a way to cut it up. So everyone is going to hate me for some horrendously awful cliffhangers. Like I said, sorry guys.

**Disclaimer**: Zack Fair Zack Fair Cloud Strife Cloud Strife. Tifa's boobs explode! I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.

Chapter 5: **That Must Mean He's Gay For Zack **

"Well, what do we have here?" Zack asked.

The bitch whipped around, nostrils flaring, pupils dilating, and Zack almost felt a tiny bit of fear for about half a second. Then again, everyone knew Zack was pretty much fearless.

_If you were Cloud screaming at me for being a fag it would be an entirely different story_ Zack thought without thinking, only to really want to claw his eyes out a second later. _Except, Cloud would never have any reason to think you are a fag, because you aren't gay. And because Cloud has friends who are gay and he doesn't go calling them faggots. So you are just freaking yourself out._

People generally thought Zack was an open book, but in reality he was as closed off as they come. He didn't let his worrisome thoughts about Cloud and gayness show on his face. He convinced himself they were nothing. Besides, he had a girlfriend. Cissnei was beautiful, the sex was amazing (especially the head). Gay guys couldn't have amazing sex with a girl.

Right?

Then why did he tell Cloud he wanted to dump her the other day? Was it really that amazing?

"YOU!" Tifa growled. "You told him to do it didn't you? You've been guiding him throughout our entire relationship. Giving him the ins and outs of being a ladies man." Tifa sneered on the last part, bobbed her head side to side. Zack had the horrible feeling the suit was going to come off and he was going to be hit with the slime. She looked kind of like a bird really. He cocked his head to the side. Yep, definitely a bird he decided. Perhaps a vulture. He grinned. He didn't bother to keep the mean glint from his eyes. She started approaching Zack, raised her shoulders and extended her arms to her side at a forty five degree angle the way that any drama queen would. She only further reminded him of a bird.

"You know? You look kind of like a pissed off, vulture with big tits who just found out there were like a million worms up their ass and they couldn't get to them without tearing themselves a new one with their ugly mug."

There was laughter. Cloud stared at him like he had fifteen heads. He knew Zack could be mean, he just didn't think he'd ever show it at school. He especially didn't expect it to be directed at Tifa.

"What, Zack that was uncalled for." He said coming to his enraged soon-to-be ex bitch of a girlfriend's defense.

However, he wasn't heard as Tifa let out a truly terrifying, unfortunately bird-like wail of outrage.

"Yep. You see, you even cacaw like one. What is it did mommy birdy kick you out of the nest you poor itty bitty wittle thing." Zack cooed as he approached Tifa, making her back up. She only added further evidence to his claims by puffing up in outrage. Her hair was sticking out in all directions. Some locks were even rivaling Cloud's in the whole gravity-defying department. It wasn't pretty.

"You are disgusting! How DARE you say that to me."

"Yeah well, I've had a bad day and you're screeching like the hag we all know you are."

"You BASTARD! YOU ARE SUCH A FREAK! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T LIKE ME! This is your doing!"

"Well, it seems the megalomaniac is very thoroughly enraged." Zack said snidely.

"Tifa, Zack has-"

"It is, isn't it. He convinced you not to date me. The freak was jealous because he's a total attention whore and is obsessive about being in control over you. He's not the boss of you Cloud." TIfa exclaimed.

Zack was a bit disgruntled about how close to the mark that bit was. Then he realized the bitch was going to cry and plead for Cloud to side with her. Cloud hated tears. Damn that girl for knowing his best friend's weaknesses and exploiting them heartlessly.

"Tifa-"

"DON'T YOU "TIFA" ME YOU PATHETIC WEAK WILLED EXCUSE FOR A BOYFRIEND. WHAT KIND OF NEEDY LITTLE FREAK LETS HIS FRIEND CONVINCE HIM TO DUMP HIS GIRLFRIEND. WHAT? DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM? I KNEW IT. IT'S ALL ZACK'S FAULT."

On second thought, maybe she just wanted to scream some more. Zack was a bit surprised. Whatever Cloud had done had obviously torn the poor girl up. However, Zack soon talked himself out of it because the words poor and girl didn't apply to the Mayor of Nibelheim's daughter who had Gucci purses, especially when she was obviously a fully developed woman. Like, up top.

Cloud's reaction was surprising to Zack, but then again, even calm, gentle mannered Cloud couldn't sit through a half hour of screaming defamation worthy of an audience without losing it.

"NO YOU DUMB BITCH I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM. I'M TIRED OF YOU. YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. DEAR GOD! IT'S JUST LIKE YOU. DON'T FACE YOUR OWN FAULTS AND BLAME IT ON ME. CAUSE IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I'M A CHEATER, EVERYBODY, Did you hear that? HEY LOOK, CLOUD STRIFE IS GETTING REAMED OUT BY HIS GIRLFRIEND WOO HOOO. That calls for an audience. THIS MUST MEAN HE'S GAY FOR ZACK! Oh wow, Tifa, real creative, insult my sexuality, really now, keep it coming." Cloud completely lost it. Zack was a bit proud of the guy. He knew he had it in him.

He addressed the crowd threw out his arms and screamed some more.

"FIRST GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT. I AM NOT GAY!" Cloud really had the ability to bellow, shame his voice was cracking, the guy was so soft spoken his vocal cords were probably straining really bad at that decibel. Zack was proud that Cloud had noticed the crowd and decided to address them. He had a natural flare for dramatics didn't he.

Zack didn't want to think about how he was generally a drama queen himself and that didn't really help with his little problem. The more he looked at it. The more evidence started stacking against him.

"SECOND, SHE'S A COMPLETE AND UTTER PSYCHO!"

There was a silence in the room. Tifa started crying. Zack barely restrained his giggles. Cloud was panting and when he calmed down he turned bright red and very quickly turned his back to the crowd.

Zack lost the uphill battle with his laughter and started laughing so hard everybody looked at him like they were wondering if he belonged in an asylum. He couldn't help it. Cloud had grown a backbone. And now he was all timid chocobo embarrassed. His bestie was SO CUTE!

"HAH. That was funny!" Zack said. He couldn't stop. Man had his friend stepped in it. He'd known Tifa was insane, but he'd never realized she was this batshit crazy. Cloud was so stupid for dating this bundle of neuroticism.

Zack's laughter ignited Tifa's rage once more. Everybody flinched when they saw that she had stopped crying and was preparing to open her mouth again.

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD JACKASS SON OF A BITCH! I CAN'T FUCKING STAND YOU! YOU FREAK! WHY DID YOU DO IT HUH? WHY'D YOU CONVINCE HIM TO DO IT YOU DUMBFUCK PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING? WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PLAY IT OFF AS THE HERO? OH LOOK AT ZACK FAIR EVERYBODY HE'S SO AMAZING. CLOUD AND TIFA ARE BREAKING UP AND THE FAGGOT'S LAUGHING!" Tifa wailed. Tears started falling down her cheeks in the middle of her screaming and her face had turned a rather disturbing puce shade. She looked like a scary creature from the underworld and that just made Zack start laughing more.

"YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE-" Tifa screamed at the same time Cloud said "Zack, this isn't-"

"WAIT, just wait!" Zack cried out bending over, putting his hands on his knees and laughing his ass off.

Zack totally loved the fact that he commanded enough respect for everyone to just shut up. It made him feel like a god, really. Tifa was a demi-goddess of the garden-variety banshee vulture type and Zack, Zack was an Adonis. He was a God. He was beautiful, and chiseled, and handsome, and an all around perfect guy. Why didn't Cloud see that?

Why did he care what Cloud thought in that way? Jesus fuck, Zack didn't want to go there. He sobered up quickly, using his Cloud inspired doubts to kill all the laughter out of him.


	6. He Saw Dollar Signs

**A/N**: Gosh there is just really no way for me to break this up properly. Like I said earlier, I feel smaller chapters are easier to edit and am therefore breaking them apart to manage easier. Sorry if y'all are annoyed. Just so you know, I've written all this in one day. I love this story. Problem is I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I get it all up and posted. Unfortunately, this fear might mean at least 20 something hours awake before I crash. I hope I manage to find a safe stopping place so I can begin again tomorrow and don't start posting stuff that has crappy quality. And to top it all off I've got another side story starring cute little Sora floating around in my head. It definitely isn't short and little like Sora, dearest. I'm not sure if I'm going to include it in this story or start a new story called Naïve, Short, and Confused. I've also got a Roxas/Axel story in my head as well as a Yuffentine. What would the titles be? I'm thinking about Neuroticism, Sanity, and Conflict for Roxas/Axel, and Nefariously, Super, and Cute for the yuffentine. Any opinions?

**Disclaimer**: I don't think Square Enix is this indecisive. I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.

Chapter 6: **He Saw Dollar Signs**

"There." He said as he stood back up and faced Tifa yet again.

"Not laughing anymore, now am I?" Zack said. He paused for a moment, looking grimly around the room, trying to pick out faces that he recognized. He felt sympathy for the worry and horror on his friends' faces. He looked at Cloud, who looked like he was about to cry. With his head down and his eyes looking at the floor. His cheeks were bright red and his shoulders slumped.

"It's alright man." He said as he walked over to his friend and straightened him up. He looked into Cloud's eyes, he smiled a reckless grin, and tried to telepathically communicate that he was covering for his ass.

Tifa was sobbing quite loudly now. As Zack turned back to her and started walking in her direction he gave her a smug smirk. She glared furiously into his eyes. Yes, he definitely wasn't laughing now. His walk was predatory. His eyes were mean. He wasn't the happy go lucky babbling idiot everyone knew him as. He was something else, something serious. Tifa even thought for a moment that he was something deadly. Zack saw the fear in her eyes and his grin got wider.

He walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Tifa," He said softly, making it loud enough that everyone could hear, he put mock concern in his voice, and everyone knew he was being thoroughly sarcastic as he said, "What on earth is the matter with you?" As he spoke he moved to her side and wrapped his left arm around her shoulders.

"YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG! YOU'RE BEHIND IT! YOU ARE A FAGGOT AND YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND! I KNEW IT! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, HIDEOUS FAT AND STUPID JACKASS!" She threw his arm off her shoulders and whipped around. She was beginning to look more like a wild dog than a vulture now. Zack was still betting she'd unzip her human disguise and unveil her ugly, slimy, wrinkly monster face that was probably colored a cross between a puke-green and a really ugly shit stain. It probably smelled really bad and screeched and had talons ten inches long. And her boobs would hold torpedoes and her hair would look like the bottom of a broom and yes, yes, she was a hideous monster!

Zack started chuckling again and she let out another hideous wail.

"Cacaw! Cacaw!" Zack mocked between chuckles. Everybody was starting to think Zack was either really insane or just incredibly brave.

Cloud was pretty damn sure the guy was just plain stupid.

Zack heard the mutters.

"He's so cool." A female voice said.

"Wow, and I kind of had a crush on that harpy." He heard a dude say.

The crowd was eating it up. This had to be the most dramatic break up ever to grace the halls of Radiant Destiny High.

"What if he's really gay?" asked someone else.

Oh, that was crossing the line Zack thought. He froze and cricked his neck to the side. He was starting to get a little more than irritated. That bad day was starting to come back. His miniscule, tiny, little fear of what people thought of him started creeping up from way beneath the surface of Zack's soul. This was starting to get him very seriously mad.

"I doubt it. He's had how many girlfriends?"

"You know a lot of gays serial date before they come out." Said a girl.

"Oh, yeah, my cousin did that."

"And he is a bit effeminate sometimes."

Zack was starting to get very, very annoyed. He cricked his head to the right, to the left, to the right again and let out a long sigh as he brought himself to his tallest height and crossed his arms over his chest. He stood up straight and looked Tifa in the eyes arrogantly. There was a warning there.

Cloud could see that Zack was starting to get really pissed. He felt bad that something that was entirely his fault was starting to get thrown at Zack. Tifa's accusations were totally ridiculous, but Cloud knew that Zack didn't exactly like gays or gayness. He wasn't a dick to gays, he was just uncomfortable with them. He was probably getting affronted by the fact that mud was being slung at him for something that wasn't his fault.

"And he's always saying "no homo" when no one really thought he was being gay." Said some guy to Cloud's left. Cloud turned to give the guy a glare. Cloud was thankful it was soft enough that Zack didn't hear. He hated when he or his friends were being talked about.

Tifa and Zack's staring match came to a close as Zack gave her a wink and relaxed.

Cloud knew it was his concession. Tifa interpreted it as a jibe.

He raised his hand and opened his mouth to warn her, but he went unheard as she let out another screech.

"YOU DID NOT JUST WINK AT ME! YOU ARE A DISGUSTING, PATHETIC, WASTE OF SPACE, FAGGOT AND CLOUD DOES NOT LIKE YOU BACK. SO BACK AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU PSYCHOTIC CLINGY JERK!"

"Ok. You're obviously unreasonable. SO, I WILL BE JUST AS UNREASONABLE, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Zack hollered.

There was stunned silence. They had not expected Zack to go from laughing to yelling in just about two seconds flat. Cloud flinched and tried not to cry and shake as his friend unleashed his anger. No one but Cloud knew how vicious Zack could get when he was mad. Cloud really hoped Zack didn't turn his anger on the person who started this shit. Him.

"YOU EVER CALL ME A FAGGOT AGAIN AND I WILL DESTROY YOUR SORRY ASS. I DON'T CARE THAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME NOT TO HIT A WOMAN. SHE'S SIX FEET UNDER. AND WITH A HARPY LIKE YOU SHE WOULDN'T EVEN BAT AN EYELASH! YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH DIRT ON YOU TO COMPLETELY END YOUR REIGN AS "the prettiest girl in school, she's so sweet, and I love her" blah blah blah?!" Zack let it rip and towards the end of the sentence mocked her voice perfectly.

"YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME-" Tifa screamed only for Zack to let out the loudest and most angry yell he'd ever let out in his life.

Everybody's blood chilled at that terrifying warcry.

"SHUT IT." He then screamed and glared down into the bitch's eyes. He was as tall as his 6'3 ½" frame would let him be. His broad shoulders were rising up and down with his breathing. Beyond that, he was in his own space. Only three feet stood between him and a now fearful Tifa Lockheart.

Nobody moved, nobody said a word. Cloud feared for his ex-girlfriend's life. Realizing he couldn't just stand by and watch his best friend murder her, he mustered up all his courage- Zack would never hurt him, right? But Tifa sure would…- and got between them.

He put his hand on Zack's chest and forced him back.

"Zack, look-" Cloud began.

Zack pushed Cloud's hand off his chest.

"Shut it." Zack said. Not too loudly, but loudly enough for the crowd of onlookers to hear.

"First," He said. He ground his teeth, and let out a sigh. Cloud felt bad for Zack's poor molars. He knew his friend always ground his teeth when he was stressed. It was a nasty habit.

Cloud watched anxiously as Zack yanked on the strap to his backpack and strode towards the table in the corner with his friends. They all started looking to Cloud for help, and he could almost see the fake plant melting. Help me, Help me, I'm melting. He thought and felt the strangest urge to laugh and cry at the same time. He thought for a second about how nice it would be to be one of those marine biology books, safely tucked away, untouched and collecting dust. Oh how he wanted to be an inanimate object right now. Actually, he knew Zack had a complete obsession with breaking inanimate objects, so that wasn't a good thing for him to be, especially when he knew he was the cause of his friend's ire.

"Let's calm down and have a seat." The tall raven-haired boy walked over to the table and put his things down next to a seat. He gestured to Cloud's soon to be ex-girlfriend. "Come on Tifa, have a seat."

"I'd rather stand."

"Oh well, suit yourself. I was just saying, ladies first."

Zack sat down and let out a long put upon sigh.

"Now," Zack said collecting himself and addressing just about everybody in the room, "I want to apologize for that outburst. I've had a bad day. I'm failing calculus, and have a shit ton of homework. I've stubbed my toe about thirty times. I fell down the stairs after third period. I think just about everybody heard about that." He looked around with a genuinely curious expression. A bunch of people nodded.

That genuinely confused him "Why is it that I fall flat on my face and everybody hears about it, like, ten seconds later?"

There was unintelligible muttering.

Zack laughed a little.

"Must be cellphones. Ahh cellphones. Can't live with them, can't live without them. Kind of like women-eh?" He shot a glance towards the fuming banshee of a girl Cloud had been so stupid to date.

Damn, why didn't Cloud listen to Zack when he said she was too much for him to handle?

Zack got a lot of confirmations from his audience. Some people tried to hide their open phones behind their backs. A few people were taping the whole scene with the video aps on their phones. Cloud saw that a guy on the school news crew had a camera, fully equipped a with a microphone and a wire running to the nearest outlet, he had it propped on his shoulder and directed right at Zack. Cloud wanted to die at the thought that everybody would know what a dick he was by morning. He felt nauseous, he was going to puke. Yes, he was. God that would just embarrass him more. Why did he send that message? Thank god everybody was staring at Zack and not him. He felt his eyes begin to sting. This was all his fault.

Zack looked at Tifa.

"Now, dear, ugly, vulture-like, puke-green creature from the underworld disguising herself in a meat suit, just what, may I ask, have I done?"

Everyone in the corner, and quite a few other people in the room stared at Zack with wide eyes and expressions mixed between horror, admiration, and incredulity. A few people gasped. He'd set her off again. Was he insane? Luxord started a bet about who would trump who, he started a bet about what really caused all this, he started a bet about how many times Zack could laugh in Tifa's face and not get slapped, he started a bet about whether or not Cloud was going to break down in hysterics and cry, he started a bet about whether or not Cloud was going to get on his knees and beg forgiveness, and most importantly, he started a bet about what time all this drama would be over, because it was now 3:56 and quite a few on-looking freshmen had missed their buses. He saw dollar signs.


	7. God Hated Him

**A/N**: Alright so Zack has a bit of a wet daydream in the middle of the conflict. I know, it might seem odd. But I don't think a kid who's been very thoroughly in denial for the past four years gets to control when the floodgates open and the fantasies come to life. I think it's a very ill-timed, borderline tragic influx of uncontrolled sexual thoughts. It's sure to be humiliating and at least I didn't make poor Zacky suffer a public ten inch boner. Poor Cloud. I'm evil. I don't think it's too explicit and I feel it coincides with fanfiction's rules but I might be wrong. The visual is nothing more than a PG-13 and the dialogue is just a bit lewd. Just a tiny bit. (It's dialogue Zack imagines). I thought about editing it out but it's important to the dialogue how surreally this fantasy sneaks into a very dramatic moment for Zack is what cements in his mind the fact that he's gay. So it's definitely staying. It's in italics, you won't miss it when you see it. Feel free to skip over it. I don't think it's too graphic for a 14-20 year old. Oh and if PC Cast can get away with writing a blowjob scene into the early parts of Vampyre Academy I can get away with writing what I wrote. That stuff is in the teen fiction section for christ's sake.

**Disclaimer**: Yeah, Square Enix doesn't throw a sex scene (pseudo-sex cause nothing happens in the dream or in the reality, it's like a make out session) in the middle of the action. Only depraved fanfiction writers who own nothing do that. I do not own the characters. Or final fantasy or Kingdom hearts. (Zack wouldn't have died in the first, and wouldn't have been so weak in the second, I'm sorry but he was way to easy to beat, I mean come on, Square, why you gotta be so Square? Alright I need to lay off of the Dr. Pepper and go to bed.)

Chapter 7: **God Hated Him**

"YOU HAD CLOUD TEXT ME HE WANTED TO BREAK UP!" Tifa roared.

"Eww, girl, you totally just spit in my face." Zack said, wiping his face at imaginary spittle and making an over exaggerated expression of disgust. There were snickers from Sora and Roxas behind him.

"YOU LIAR!"Screamed Tifa at the same time as Cloud stuttered out "Z-zzack-" which really sounded like a whimper.

This exclamation, and really rather pathetic attempt by Cloud to try and avoid the further exaggeration of the conflict and quite horrible scene they were making went unheard as Tifa unleashed a tirade of words and towered over Zack. He really hoped there wasn't blood.

It was like watching two dogs fight over a bone, he thought.

Dear God, he realized, he was the bone.

He let out an eep and sniffled just a bit.

Luxord guffawed and money changed hands.

Cloud was humiliated. He looked to the ground and wished that he was six feet under.

"You FREAKING JACK ASS SON OF A BITCH! ZACK FAIR I AM GOING TO RUIN YOU! YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT. MR. ANGELIC, MR. POPULARITY, MR. THIS-THAT and THEN SOME. YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU ARE SIMPLY A-"

"Alright babe, you see, this is where I've got to interrupt you. Yes, yes. I'm behind your complete and utter humiliation. Yes I'm demon spawn, blah, blah, blah. But really, Tifa, you think Cloud, sensitive, sweet, quiet, thoroughly enamored Cloud would ever text you a message like that?" Zack said.

Tifa stopped. Everyone stared. The drama was in the air, the vultures were rising up on their toes. Yuffie's jaw dropped. Aerith's eyes widened even further and her head cocked to the side. Squall, emotionless, stoic, never ruffled Squall showed a bit of horror. Sora and Roxas shivered and held onto each other. Tidus smirked; he knew exactly what was going to happen. Yuna was very thoroughly confused both by Zack's words, and by her boyfriend's disturbing reaction.

"What?" Tifa asked.

"Zack, what are you-" Cloud said at the same time, staggering forward, trying to get between them. Sending his friend a very thoroughly confused look, he silently mouthed: _Are you insane? You are not taking the fall for this._

"Do you think the thought of breaking up with you ever crossed sweet, naïve, little Cloud Strife's mind?" Zack cut Cloud off before he could get on with his statement and projected his voice loud enough that the audience that had gathered could hear.

Of course, there was an audience, Zack realized, and half-heartedly evaluated. Pretty much the most famous people around were all tearing each other apart. Zack kind of wished he were a part of the audience. Boy, did his friend owe him.

People heard Miss Popularity, the school sweetheart was having a conniption and the phones were whipped out, people scurried this way and that, and there was an audience of about 50 people in the library. Murmurs went this way and that. What was Zack Fair getting at? What was happening to the perfect couple of the last year and a half? What was happening to the oddball couple no one expected to happen, but turned out to be the sweetest thing anyone ever saw? Was it the best friend vs. the girlfriend? Are they arguing over Cloud's time? Who will win?

Luxord was taking more bets by the second and was nearly deliriously happy. He could see the money rolling in. He had dollar signs in his eyes. He was an observant fella, he was at Lulu's party last Friday, too. He was one of three people who noticed what had happened. He knew what was going on. Oh, how the Queen's reign was going to come crashing down in flames and sparks, oh, how joyous it would be to establish his darling Yuna as the best lady in the school. Now, if only he could keep that bastard Tidus out of the betting pool, that annoying, observant fucker who somehow managed to trick his darling into loving him had to stay out of it, Luxord would get it all.

"What do you mean weirdo?" Tifa asked, annoyance written all over her face.

"Zack, what the hell?" Cloud interrupted. Finally managing to find his legs and voice."Look, I-"

Zack looked at Cloud, gave him a wink. He leaned up to the blond, who had now placed himself directly in front of him, between him and Tifa. He shifted so that he could whisper in his ear, "Let me handle this chocobo-head. I got you."

He then stood up and put his arm over Cloud's shoulder and pulled him to his side as he faced Tifa.

"I'm sorry buddy but this is going to come as quite a shock to you." Zack projected so that everyone could hear.

"What are you playing at you ridiculous buffoon?" Tifa yelled.

"Fine, fine, you caught me. I was the one who sent the message."Zack exclaimed in mock exasperation. "Jesus, girl, you can't let a guy draw out the suspense, get a little drama going?"

"What, Zack-"Cloud said at the same time that Tifa screamed "I KNEW IT! YOU HAD IT OUT FOR US FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!"

"Oh my!" Zack said, chuckling. He started walking forward. He really had to hand it to the bitch, she had a pair of lungs.

"You were always trying to sabotage us, weren't you? Well, everybody sees it now, don't they? ZACK FAIR, he isn't as awesome as he seems! How does it feel now that everyone sees what a douche you really are? Huh? Did you think I would have just let this slide? Believed that Cloud wanted it over and avoided him? Huh? What kind of idiot are you?" Tifa projected so that everyone could hear her and paced dramatically in a semi circle so that she was closer to the audience than Zack.

The whispering began again, the fingers were flying over keyboards, everyone in the joint community of Destiny Islands, Radiant Garden, Gongaga, and Nibelheim was going to hear of this. Maybe it would even spread to the city of Midgar. Everyone had friends everywhere.

Luxord cursed as Tidus sidled his way from the corner and into the audience making a b-line towards the bookkeeper with an eager grin. No, this jackpot was all his. This was _his_ day damn it. He was getting a front row seat to the biggest drama of the school year, albeit it was late August and the first semester was just beginning, so that was probably an inaccurate assessment. Actually, never mind, who could top this shit? On top of that he was going to get the biggest jackpot of a lifetime. Oh how the money was rolling in. He wasn't splitting this jackpot with that money grubbing blitzball king Tidus, oh hell no. That guy had enough to his name what with dating his darling Yuna, the second prettiest girl in school (behind, of course, the seething, brown-haired, amply endowed, beauty-queen making the scene of the year and falling unwittingly from her pedestal).

Zack gave Tifa a reckless grin.

"What? You aren't going to ask why?"

"Pff- I KNOW WHY IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS AND YOU HAVE A THING FOR HIM!"

"What did I say about implying that I was homosexual?" Zack said. His eyebrows were twitching.

"Oh no, Tifa, you don't _want_ me to tell the entire school why I sent that message."

"OH BULL SHIT! SAY IT YOU MEDDLESOME FREAK! Why do you want Cloud and me over?"

"I stole Cloud's phone and sent the message saying Cloud wanted to break up with you because you cheated on him last Friday." Zack said calmly.

There were horrified gasps. Everybody unleashed a million whispers.

"WHAT! Zack that's RIDICULOUS!" Cloud bellowed.

Tifa was horrified. Her jaw was hanging open.

Cloud looked between Zack and Tifa.

"What?" He said.

He turned on Zack.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" He bellowed. He was so pissed. He knew he wanted to end it with Tifa but that didn't change the fact that they had been together up until today. She had cheated on him? And Zack knew? And he was hearing about it now in front of a room full of people he didn't know? He was furious with his soon to be ex-girlfriend. He was horribly hurt by his best friend, and he couldn't stand the fact that he'd been played.

He had no idea she'd been so terrible. Hadn't he been enough? All the time he wasted with her was worthless? All the effort he put into making her happy was laughable? What, was she just too horny to do without for the few hours he spent at work? What, was he not hitting it right?

Or did she just not love him the way he thought she had? That's what it was, it was all a lie. Ok, he could live with that. But, Zack, Zack was a different story.

How could his friend betray him like that? After all they'd been through.

Maybe Zack had finally realized that Cloud was pathetic and didn't deserve to have a guy as great as Zack for a friend. Why did he have to wait eleven years to figure that out? Cloud was distraught.

"What?" Cloud said softly, looking at Zack. He couldn't believe his ears. Looking into Zack's eyes he saw guilt, and remorse. Maybe it wasn't what he thought. God, he hoped Zack hadn't gone for Tifa that night. He remembered Zack had called him and said he'd gone too hard on the booze and needed a temple massage like nobody's business. He remembered the hickeys on Zack's neck and the exclaimed "I have no idea who I slept with last night, but, man, was she a siren." He remembered covering for him with Cissnei and how guilty Zack had been. He remembered how Zack had gone on and on about what a despicable human being he was for cheating on Cissnei and he remembered how Zack said he was going to have to break up with her. If he could cheat on her for a drunken one-night stand then they were obviously nothing special.

God, he was going to kill Zack if the bastard had slept with his girl that night. The freak must have been laughing about it on the inside the entire time Cloud nursed him with that hangover and told him he wasn't a despicable human being. He'd cancelled a date at the Amusement park with Tifa for that guy! He'd already bought the tickets. That was a wasted eighty bucks! And the reason Tifa hadn't been too upset with him and had said she was going to ask to cancel on him anyway was because she'd cheated. With his best friend! She was tired and not feeling well because Zack had ruthlessly fucked her brains out!

"I sent the message in a fit of anger. I didn't want to tell you about Tifa cheating on you last week. It's been bugging me all week. It's why I've been acting weird." Zack said.

There, it was the truth, and it probably covered for the fact that Zack had been caught staring at Cloud's pectorals when they were at his house Tuesday when they'd come back in from messing around in the rain.

_Me, Cloud's pectorals showing through a white t-shirt that was soaked through, rain hmmmmm, mud wrestling. He could see Cloud strip off his shirt and suggest they wrestle it out in the mud. He could see it in his mind's eye. He could see the both of them crashing their bodies into each other, soaked and covered in mud. They were both shirtless. He'd caught Cloud staring at his abs countless times. Cloud Strife was into him. He could see it now, laughing, wet, dirty, boy on boy, him, big strong, dominant Zack Fair, pinning Cloud again and again."Oh, no, Zack don't do it like that. It hurts!" Cloud naively cries out after a particularly harsh pin. Zack could see himself getting ideas in his head at Cloud's words. He wouldn't be paying attention and Cloud would manage to get the upper-hand and pin him. He could feel Cloud pinning him down. He could see the grin and his bright blue eyes. He could feel his wet spikes of blonde hair in his hand as he crushed his friend's head down to his lips. He could feel hands on his chest, he could feel lips on his and his tongue intertwined with another's. He could feel Cloud pressing his hips into his stomach. He could see Cloud's wide horrified eyes at his embarrassing reaction. He could see a bright blush on his pale face, and a shy glance between their bodies as he felt Zack press his groin into Cloud's strong lean thighs. "Za-" "No that's not a problem Cloud, I'll fix it right up. How bout I use my mouth?"_

Jesus fuck. This was not the time for disturbing fantasies about his best friend. Jesus fuck he was not gay. He was not imagining going down on Cloud. Nope. Nope.

Dear God.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." Cloud said.

"Huh?" Zack wasn't getting hard was he? He surreptitiously checked. Nope. Nope.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE SLUT CHEATED ON ME! WAS IT YOU? I SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT US! DID YOU STEAL MY GIRFRIEND YOU ASSHOLE?" Cloud bellowed.

"Cloud, no, I-" Tifa tried to interject grabbing hold of Cloud's arm.

"Don't touch me." Cloud snarled, shaking her off and advancing on his friend. Cloud stared at Zack. Betrayal was evident in his blue eyes. Zack almost wanted to cry at seeing him so mad at him.

"You said you were thinking about breaking up with Cissnei. Is that why?" Cloud was always scarier when his voice got quiet when he was mad. Zack didn't want to start crying in public. He wasn't a crybaby.

"Definitely not, Cloud. Cissnei and I are probably going to break up this week, but that has nothing to do with you and your girl. It was Barrett Tifa cheated with. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's been killing me. I was hoping it would never happen again. That you could be oblivious to it and the two of you could be happy. But I saw her making eyes at Barrett during lunch and I was infuriated. I should have thought more about it. I stole your phone before seventh, when we met by our lockers, and sent her the message before class ended. I spent the entire class debating about what I should do. I should have just told you. But I wanted you not to know. I also didn't want you hanging on to a lying cheating bitch. It was stupid and I'm sorry for causing this whole scene. It really hurt me because it was like my dad was cheating on my mom all over again. Remember how I knew but couldn't bear to tell her?" Zack's voice cracked on the last bit. He was so stupid to mention that. Talking about his mom always made him cry. She'd died last year, not knowing that his dad was a cheating asshole. He'd gotten caught up in mixing the lies with the truth. Covering for Cloud and trying desperately to get his friend to believe him. The way he'd always mixed lies and truths as he covered for his jackass father. His father, who had hardly waited a year before marrying his new blond, twenty-two year old trophy wife, and then proceeded to abandon his still grieving son with his dead wife's mother for four months. That bitch was only five years older than him for Christ's sake.

"Oh fuck. Zack, I'm sorry." Cloud said. His eyes widened. The blonde boy grabbed Zack and pulled him into a hug.

Everybody oohed and ahhed at the bro-mance and Zack allowed himself only a couple seconds to accept the hug. He pulled away before the thought of how perfectly Cloud's 5'11" frame fit against his body could really sink in.

"Cloud, Cloud! I swear I-" Tifa started.

Zack quietly sat back down at the table as he heard Cloud tell Tifa to shut up and go away because they were so thoroughly through it was ridiculous. He said maybe in a year or so they could be friends, but he was never going to trust her romantically again. He heard Cloud tell her that he wanted the things he left at her place back by Sunday, and that he'd have hers ready by the end of tonight if she wanted them.

When Cloud sat back down across from Zack, the ebony haired boy looked into his friend's eyes.

"It's cool. I forgive you. Thanks for having my back." Cloud said.

"Kay."Zack said quietly.

"Heh. Damn I'm glad that's over. You were so right. I don't have what it takes to date Tifa Lockheart." Cloud said with the most beautiful smile Zack had ever seen.

It was then that something within Zack finally settled and he started bawling like a baby.

Everybody rushed to him and asked him if he was okay. Cloud got up and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Zack turned his head into Cloud's shoulder and sobbed for at least twenty minutes.

He kept saying over and over again, "Jesus, Jesus, oh my god." He kept saying it again and again, like it was some kind of prayer that would make things better.

He wasn't crying about his mom the way Cloud thought. He wasn't crying because he felt bad about making a scene like Yuna thought. He wasn't crying about the fact that he'd had a shit day and that whole scene just broke the straw on the camel's back like Roxas thought. He wasn't crying because he felt bad for Cloud like Sora thought. He wasn't crying because it was about time someone who was perpetually happy showed true, deep emotion, like Tidus, the yippie, thought.

No, he was crying because he had just realized he was gay.

He was completely and totally fruitcake gay. He wanted it in the ass, in his mouth, in his hands gay. He wanted to pin another guy to the ground and force himself between that guy's legs and have his way with that guy's hard, lean, masculine body.

And he was gay for Cloud. He wanted his best friend in a completely non-platonic, non-hetero way.

Zack Fair was gay. He had the biggest crush of his life for his best friend. The friend that was hugging him right now, the friend he was crying into, the guy who had been there for him for the past eleven years of his life through thick and thin and was **like a brother.** He was gay. He liked Cloud.

"I have to go!" Zack said, pulling himself together shaking off Cloud's embrace and grabbing his things. He didn't notice that Cloud had managed to get the onlookers out of the library as he started to make his exit, desperately looking for somewhere to hide.

He ignored everybody's cries about why, and he shouldn't drive like this and left as fast as he could.

Cloud, of course, came after him.

"Zack, wait!" Cloud said. He ran to him and caught his arm.

"I need to be alone." Zack said. _My dad is going to kick me out of the house if he ever finds out. I'll be alone, broke and homeless. What would Cloud say? He's going to hate me. I'm not normal. I'm weird. I'm homo. Ohmygod. God HATES me! God hates me. Holy shit._

"But-"

"Don't worry I'll drive safe, and I'm okay."

"I'm sorry about this. All of this is my fault. I was stupid for sending that message. I just was tired of her monopolizing all of my time. I didn't think. I knew she would react badly. I knew she would put up a fight. But I also thought that she'd be able to change my mind. She always manages to get me to do things I don't want to do. So I sent her the message because I thought that was a surefire way to make her want to end it too. I'm sorry you had to get caught up in this. I'm sorry you were in a bind because of her cheating and I understand why you didn't say anything-"

"Cloud, sheesh, you totally used up your word quota for the day, man." Zack interrupted him with a grin. He looked down into Cloud's eyes.

"Breathe man. It's fine. This has nothing to do with you. I just had a rough week and a shit day and a whole bunch of personal stuff just really got to me out of nowhere. I need to go and think it over to myself. Thanks, though."

"Kay." Cloud nodded, if anyone could understand needing alone time it was him. "Maybe we can go to the beach with Sora and Roxas on Saturday? Come to my place at 9?"

"AM? Awww please no!" Zack pouted.

Cloud laughed and clapped him on the shoulder.

"I'll cook you your favorite?" Cloud said in a teasing way. He wriggled his eyebrows.

"Aww I don't know…" Zack sighed.

"Chocolate icing…Hmm-hhmm." Cloud said and made a show of licking his fingers and lips like he'd just eaten cake and had icing on his fingers and lips and was cleaning them.

That went straight to Zack's groin. _Oh jesus, and that grin makes it worse, and he's looking in my eyes._

"Is something wrong?" Cloud definitely hadn't expected Zack to look horrified at the thought of chocolate icing on top of Cloud's mom's cake recipe.

"Uhh, I'll call you about it. I've gotta go."

Zack left as fast as he could.

Cloud was left very, very, confused. What the hell was with Zack's blush? Zack never blushed. He had no shame.

_What the?_


	8. Sora Was Doomed

A/N: I've decided to not make it another story, and I am going to combine the Clack with the Soriku and the Akuroku and this will be one loooooooooooooonnggggg freaking story. Most of it is going to be Clack though, so, just warning ya.

Disclaimer: I don't think there are zombies in Kingdom Hearts. I own nothing.

Chapter 8: **Sora Was Doomed**

Once upon a time Sora was in love with Kairi. She dumped him for a girl. Once upon a time Sora was in love with Leon. Leon dumped him for Rinoa, who wasn't just any girl. No she happened to be an older girl. Leon dumped Sora for a college girl. This girl was a college girl who'd had an incident that resulted in a pregnancy. Sora had to begrudgingly admit that she was one hot mama. Every time he did so, he pouted for ten minutes. Leon dumped Sora for a MILF. That-that was just so not fair.

Why did Sora get dumped?

Well, his annoying twin brother might have had something to do with it.

His annoying best friend might have something to do with it.

Evil significant other stealing bitches might have had something to do with it.

Sora, because he loved his friend and his brother, blamed it on all of the boyfriend-thieves and girlfriend-thieves in the world. He subconsciously recognized that he was doomed from the start. He subsequently decided to no longer date.

Actually, his annoying twin brother had teamed up with his annoying best friend and completely obliterated any chances poor Sora had with his relationships.

Once, Roxas tearfully called Sora in the middle of a date with Kairi and told him their mom was in the hospital after a hideous car accident and was on death's door. Sora grabbed his things and RAN to the nearest hospital. (He was thirteen at the time and had no transportation.) Needless to say, he'd left Kairi without a word and she'd had to wash dishes for hours in order to foot the eighty dollar bill that was mostly Sora's food. She had ordered a salad because she somehow believed that guys found girls who ate unattractive.

Sora arrived at the hospital breathless and panicked. He then ran to the room he'd been told his mother was in. Roxas was crying and holding a limp hand in his; he was dramatically wheezing. There was no beeping from the heart monitor in the corner.

Sora screamed "Am I too late?"

Roxas sobbed louder.

"NO!" Sora cried.

Sora's sobbing began and twenty minutes after the two brothers had dramatically hugged each other close and sobbed into each other's shaking, grief-stricken arms, the body began rising up off the bed.

A loud, terrible, groan filled the hospital room.

Roxas let out a soft cry of fear.

Sora stared.

"Mmmmmmmmmmhhhhh" The dead body of his mother groaned.

"Zombie?" Roxas asked. He widened his eyes and dramatically stepped back away from Sora and the dead body of their mother.

Sora turned to him with wide horrified eyes.

Roxas stumbled backwards toward the door.

Sora stared at the dead body of their mother.

It let out a loud "Graaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

This "Grah" was the exact same sound every zombie in every horror movie Sora had ever seen let out right before it bit at someone's head and started chomping on brains.

Sora, having just watched Zombies Attack:VII the night before, proceeded to scream bloody murder.

He was terrified of zombies and had spent the night sobbing and fearful, before climbing into his twin brother's bed and proceeding to sleep soundly and comfortably as he stole the blankets and snored at a decibel previously unknown to man.

He screamed bloody murder even louder as a hand reached out from under the blanket towards him. He screamed again, breaking the sound barrier and communicating the presence life on earth to aliens throughout the galaxy.

Sora screamed like a terrified little girl.

He cried out for his brother to run, for he'd sacrifice himself so that his beloved twin could survive and carry on the Hikaru legacy, only for laughter to ensue and for Riku to take off the sheet concealing his figure.

He stared dumbfounded for a few minutes before a nurse came into the room and screamed, "What is going on in here?!

"Where's Mr. Skeves?!"

"Huh?" Sora looked at her with a tear streaked, terrified face. He put his puppy eyes into action and the nurse proceeded to coo at him, hug him, and mother him the way any woman who came to see Sora's pathetic, "I'm a tortured little cherub" face did.

This caused his evil best friend and evil twin to laugh more, but Sora didn't care because he needed the affection.

Sora managed to talk them out of trouble, as he always did with his angelic sweetness and beautiful doe-brown eyes, and Riku and Roxas covertly suggested that the comatose Mr. Skeves had probably gone to take a leak.

They were evil incarnate.

This evil, torturous prank, among many other hideous schemes derived to monopolize Sora, ensured that his relationship with Kairi only lasted a grand three months before she decided she was lesbian (who wouldn't be with Roxas and Riku torturing them every five seconds?) and began dating a sweet girl named Namine who just so happened to not have siblings and a small group of perfectly sane friends.

Two years later, Sora was stunned when the exceedingly attractive, rather stoic, and quite frankly sexy as all hell Squall Leonheart asked him out. He kept it secret from his twin and friend for four months before they caught on to the fact that his and Leon's "study sessions" studied anatomy. Up close and personal.

A week later and the terror tactics began. Leon, though, remained strong. Sora found himself awed and flattered by Leon's resilience. It made him love his boyfriend all the more.

Two months after the terror tactics began, Riku and Roxas turned Leon into a chicken.

They covered him in cake batter. They covered him in super glue. The busted pillows over his head and started the king of all pillow fights, which was really just target practice for the poor, defenseless, blinded (cake batter in the eyes), Leon. They chased him out of the house and under a bucket full of glitter. They put an Indian headpiece on the poor boy's head and took pictures before proceeding to blackmail the brunette hottie into dumping his adorable boyfriend.

A week later and Sora was single. He sobbed for weeks. He wouldn't speak to his awful evil demon-spawn friend and brother. He'd sob, and eat ice cream, and sob some more. Sora was heartbroken for three weeks, and he was almost certain that he'd managed to convince Roxas and Riku to let him get back with Leon.

Then, he'd seen Rinoa.

He'd dated Squall for six months and less than a month later he was dating a MILF?! Not just any MILF too, but the girl he'd dated before Sora?! The girl who ripped out his heart and trampled on the pieces? The girl who was a supermodel, who traveled world-wide and was the epitome of beauty?

Sora cried and cursed for another week. After that it became a weekly thing for Riku to come over and join Sora and Roxas in a Leon bashing session. Darts were thrown into full length photographs, Facebook pages were stalked, faces were insulted, bodies were picked apart, and everybody was called a fat jerk. This proceeded for the rest of that semester. (Sora's sophomore year)

That Summer Sora's heart healed, he became friends with Leon again, he even liked Rinoa and her daughter.

Still, he didn't date.

And that scene with Cloud and Tifa in the library, in addition to Zack's sobfest, totally cemented in Sora's mind the fact that he was never, ever, ever going to date again. He'd live his life single and die happily surrounded by friends and his friends' grandchildren. He'd just never, ever, fall into the trap that was love.

He'd die a pure, and lovely, angelic, and friendly, virgin.

"I'm never dating again." Sora said to Riku and Roxas as they walked out to the car Sora and Roxas shared.

It was around 5:00 and after Zack left everybody had just given up on studying. Some people suggested hanging out, but it'd been a long week for everyone and after the stress of the afternoon library blow out, everybody just wanted to go home and cuddle under a blanket. They all talked for about an hour and said their goodbyes. The conversation revolved around what was wrong with Zack, touched upon how Cloud felt about the blow out, and asked if he was really not mad at Zack. Sora thought that the spectacle had to have been seriously embarrassing for his shy friend. He expected Cloud to be seriously pissed about what Zack had done, and had expected him to be quite a bit ruffled about the sudden break up. As usual, if Cloud was bothered, he didn't show it. Sora appreciated his friend's poise.

Tidus and Yuna had spent the time making out, ignoring Yuffie's cries of "Eww. Gross! Get a room!" Everybody was annoyed by their insensitivity, even Sora. Normally everybody waved off their PDA and shrugged "that's just Yuna and Tidus", but today everybody was seriously annoyed. They went on with their happy tonsil hockey session and pretended they were in their own world. Cloud just rolled his eyes.

"It's not like I'm one to talk. Tifa and I were always making out in the halls." Cloud said.

Tidus had pulled away for the five seconds it took to say "THANK you, really guys, come on. Cloud doesn't have a problem."

That didn't change the fact that their behavior ended up in Sora and Roxas deciding to exclude them from the beach invite. By the time everybody had decided to leave Cloud was looking just a bit more moody and sensitive than usual. Everybody had left, making snide comments about Yuna and Tidus separating and getting a room, but the two had just waved everybody goodbye as they'd cleared out. Nobody thought those two would make it out of there before the janitor locked the doors. Sora snickered at the thought of those two horny teenagers being locked in the school for the weekend.

_That's what they got for their disgusting PDA. Did they have no consideration? I mean Cloud and TIfa just broke up and he was right there. Cloud's really good at hiding shit, but he was definitely bothered by it despite the fact that he was too nice to say anything._

Sora absolutely hated it when people took advantage of Cloud's kind, easygoing nature. He kicked a rock and started glaring at the ground as he walked.

"What?" Riku said. For some strange reason Riku didn't see that coming, Sora realized his platinum haired friend had to be dumber than a doornail. Why was it that he had better grades?

"Dude! Kairi dumped me for a girl. Leon dumped me for a girl. And did you see that mess with Cloud and Tifa? And poor Zack? I mean come on! Relationships suck! I'm never going to like someone again." Sora cried out.

"What happened to Mr. Optimistic?" Roxas asked.

"Awwwww, is itty bitty Sora still heartbroken?" Riku mocked.

"No! I'm just going to let everybody else do the procreation and the marriage thing. I don't want any part of it. I'm good living out my life as a best buddy and the perfect twin!" Sora laughed and ran up to Roxas.

He wrapped his right arm over his twin's shoulder and started to sing their twin song.

"Twin, Twin, Twins! We are the Hottest Pair of Twin, Twin, Twins!"

Riku groaned as Roxas joined in and they started making a ruckus.

"You guys are fucking weird!" Riku yelled.

"What did you say?" Roxas turned around and glared into Riku's eyes.

"I said, that you two have separation anxiety issues. Your twin song is just fucking WEIRD."

"Like you don't want to monopolize Sora as much as I do?" Roxas scoffed.

"Ooooo! Where's Luxord! I want to place a bet on who's going to win this fight." Sora cried out, laughing at his brother's and his friend's need to argue all the time. He was more than tickled about the fact that they were arguing over him this time. And, of course, Roxas had just unwittingly and openly admitted for the first time that he and Riku were weird and obsessive Sora monopolizers.

"Whatever. Roxas, I'm not picking a fight today." Riku said, he turned from the twins and began walking off to his own car, which was parked twelve cars down from Roxas and Sora's pickup.

The two brothers looked at each other perplexed.

"What's wrong with him?"Sora asked.

"Got me." Roxas shrugged.

"I'll go check." Sora said and began to run after their mutually shared best friend.

"Suit yourself. I've got a phone call to make. Be back in ten or I'm going to leave without you." Roxas called after his brother.

"You know what?" Sora turned around to look at his brother. "I'll just get a ride from Riku. You know how he can get. It's going to be like pulling teeth trying to get what's wrong out of him."

"Yeah, go ahead. Don't get back too late. We have to pack for the beach weekend with Riku, Cloud, Leon, and Yuffie."

"Ahh!" Sora smacked his palm to his face. "I forgot all about that! Do you think Cloud's going to get Zack to come?"

"At 9 am? Hell no!" Roxas said.

Sora ran back to his brother and looked him in the eyes. He was challenging his dense and socially inept twin to a battle.

"How much you wanna bet?" Sora said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"What makes you think he'll be able to get Zack to come?"

"Dude! Are you blind? Zack has a thing for Cloud about twenty miles wide and ninety miles long!"

"How on earth would you know that? Did he tell you? There's no way Zack's gay. And Cloud? Seriously? He's as straight as an arrow." Roxas argued.

"Ugh. Whatever. Don't believe me. It's not like I've always been better with people than you are." Sora said.

"What? Hey!" Roxas said as Sora began running away.

"I can't let Riku leave without me!"

"Fine. I'm right and you're wrong!" Roxas yelled out childishly before getting in the truck.

He was irritated. Roxas was generally irritated. His brother might be happy go lucky, sweet and angelic, but he was definitely not. Sometimes he wondered how the two of them ever got along. It seemed like they were complete opposites.

Dialing his boss was a pain in the ass. Working at the ice-cream parlor and wearing that dorky uniform was a pain in the ass. Dealing with a flirtatious redhead who was obsessed with staring at his ass was a pain in the ass.

"Hey Roxy, did you change your mind about the date?" An obnoxious voice answered the phone and Roxas resisted the urge to let out a cry of frustration. He HATED his boss.

"Look, Axel. First, Don't-Call-ME-ROXY!" Roxas growled into the phone. He wanted to kick this guy in the junk.

He wanted to murder him. Roxas had, at first, applied to work at the ice cream parlor because he had seen the attractive redhead through the window. He'd talked to Xemnas, the manager at the time and had been hired on the spot. When he'd been told to come back Monday at four and that he'd be working with Axel, the attractive redhead, he'd been nervous as all hell. Sora had made fun of him and his silly little crush all weekend.

He'd gone to work, after fussing over what to wear for three hours. (He had to change into uniform once he got there but that didn't mean he was going to look like a slob going there). He'd glance at the redhead as he walked in, greeted him quietly and had seen appreciation in the man's wicked green eyes. Once he knew he had gotten his soon-to-be crush's interest he'd been excited.

Then the freak had opened his mouth and it had all gone downhill.

He fucking HATED his stupid, annoying, nagging, flirtatious, dog-like, clingy, perverted, and generally disgusting boss.

Why did he have to be attractive?

"Second, I want to make sure I still have the weekend off. I planned it out with Xemnas about three weeks ago, but he ended up quitting and now you're in charge. The messages you sent to me- totally not appropriate by the way, I'm going to have to file sexual harassment with upper management if you keep that up- implied that you expected me to show up tomorrow. It's totally not happening." Roxas said as he gritted his teeth.

"Oh come on Roxy you know you like it! Let me check that by the way." There was the sound of shuffling on the other end of the phone. Roxas absolutely hated the fact, that, yes, he liked it.

Just a little bit. Beyond that tiny bit of adolescent hormone dictating his attraction, he was quite thoroughly enraged by that cocky, smug, stupid, touchy, perverted, taller than a tree, practically anorexic looking, drugged up, college boy. Why did he have to be such an asshole? Why couldn't he be an attractive older male, who was politely, and gentlemanly attracted to Roxas?

Roxas HATED his boss.

"Awwww. Dang it. Nami-kins has your weekend shift." Axel whined.

"Cool." Roxas hung up before the jerk could piss him off any further and put his key in the ignition.

He'd complain to Sora about Axel and force the freak to tell him about what kind of evidence he had to back up his assertion that Zack was into Cloud, once they got home. He couldn't wait to extoll the virtues of drawing and quartering his boss. He was curious if Sora was right and was already thinking about what he'd do about his friends' predicament if he were. Getting Zack and Cloud together would keep that annoying, talkative, friendly, jerk, Zack out of his hair. He really didn't see the guy's excessive need to be friends with everybody.

Roxas didn't recognize the fact that his brother was the same way.

Then, tomorrow, if he felt Sora's argument had merit, the two of them would arrange for Cloud and Zack to hit it off. Then they'd be eternally grateful to Roxas and his schemes, and he'd get them to do him favor upon favor. He began to get very excited about the relationship. He couldn't wait for the world to recognize that he was the best evil mastermind on this planet.

He smirked cruelly as he drove home, and he almost didn't stop to let that squirrel cross the street.

He did though, and that road-kill lived another day.

Who said Roxas had no mercy?


End file.
